"I and my children were beaten and kicked out of our house by the
brothers-in-law. We live by begging, in continual fear"
Widow's Stories
Kamal Patik,
A Leader in the Association of Strong Women Alone, Rajasthan
Kamal Patik, age 40, is the widow of the late Kailash Patik.
I got married when I was 16; my husband was a tailor, sewing at home. I had
my first son at 17 and then 2 more sons in quick succession. For each delivery,
my in-laws sent me to my parents. My parents having borne all the costs involved,
I was returned to my husband and in-laws. My misfortune was that my husband,
Kailash, was a drunkard, and beat me regularly. After 10 years of married life,
he left me. I stayed on with my in-laws but after some time, they made it clear
that they didn’t want me or the children to continue to live with them.
I went back to my parents house but when I got there the door was locked and
they were gone. I think they must have known I was coming with my three children.
I felt as though I had been thrown out on the street.
But I managed to rent a room for me and the three kids, and began to work
as a daily wage labourer on construction sites. That’s hard work but
I made money and managed to buy all the things I needed for the kids and the
house. Then after two years Kailash found me and said he was sorry for all
the bad things he had done. But he was still a drunkard and sold all my household
things to buy liquor and started beating me again. I was weak and ill and they
told me it was TB.
Kailash straightened up a little but then he became sick
with liver disease because of his alcoholism, and he died. I was then about
35.
Kailash’s death occurred just a little before the first Rajasthan Widows’ Convention held in November 1999. I had heard about the Widows’ Convention and decided to attend. It was there I felt the strength of women together, and got the courage (himat) to reach out and join the Association of Strong Women Alone. I’ve been with them ever since and am now one of its leaders.
Last year my son decided to get married. I badly wanted to attend his marriage,
and to carry out the ceremonies performed by the parents of the bridegroom.
But as attendance at children’s’ weddings are forbidden to widows,
my in-laws firmly opposed my wish to do this. So I talked to the members of
my local ASWA Committee. They said “We are with you!” 
They collected
some money from each member, and bought a bright red “chundari” or
special cloth that is put over the head of the mother of the groom at the time
of the marriage. They bought the “bindees” (the ornamental dot
that is stuck on the middle of the forehead – and forbidden to widows),
bangles, and a saree. These items are usually given to a mother by her brother
or her parental household – so you see for us the Association is the
new “family” of its members!
My son’s marriage was to be performed at a group marriage; that’s
where many couples of the same caste are married at the same time. Most of
the guests are caste members and would be invited to each and all the marriages
held on different dates, so it is less expensive for all of us if all the brides
and grooms get married at the same time because we can then share the cost
of the wedding feast and other preparations.
For my son’s wedding all my fellow members of the Committee rented a
jeep to get to the marriage site. They sang songs, put on my “bindee” and
bangles, and draped the “chundari” red cloth adorned with a border
of gold coloured ribbon over my head. My in-laws were very unhappy – they
wanted me to obey tradition but the Association members made them understand
that it was necessary to break customs that were hurtful and which marginalized
widows. 
They asked them: “Where were you all these years when Kamal’s
husband was alive and beating her? Did you give her any help then, or after
his death when she was alone as a widow??” I also reminded them that
I was paying for all the expenses for the marriage, and that they had given
me no help. So finally they said “Okay, do what you want.” I joined
in the singing and dancing of the women on the stage set up in the hall where
the marriages were taking place. By then, the press had arrived to cover the
event and I had many fotos taken showing my hennaed hands, my bangles and the
chundari. I was so happy and my son was so proud too that I was with him on
this auspicious day.
Note from another member of ASWA.
At this group marriage there were couples and their friends and family members
from 12 Districts of Rajasthan and Madhya Pradesh; in 10,000 people in all.
The members of the Association spoke from the stage, and urged all those attending
to abandon the customs of ostracising and marginalizing widows. They called
upon all the mothers who had sons or daughters being married, to come up on
the stage and join in the dancing – “You have a right to be here,
and to celebrate!” Those who came up got the red “tilak” (a
streak of red powder or “kunku”) put on their foreheads. ASWA made
everyone there understand the need for change. Some people protested, but ultimately,
everyone was quiet, some were convinced, and a good atmosphere prevailed.
The repercussions of this event will reach far and wide, and contribute to breaking down the customs which are based on the superstition that widows are inauspicious.